lucyisanartist

Things are going EXTREMELY well right now.  I have had little to no problem avoiding food.. working out.. friends are home.. favorite boy is home.. spending lots of time with family and friends. christmas was amazing.. more than i could ask for.  my circumstances in all realms are exactly where i want them to be.  i am very happy.. and reaching mini goals like its my job!! I am at the lowest weight I’ve seen in a few years.. I’m very happy about that.. less than a year ago I was pushing 223 pounds..

I also noticed jeans feeling saggy and baggy and shirts not clinging as much as they usually do.  (I just hope i dont lose my boobs haha)  I’m very motivated and super happy.. I apologize I haven’t been very supportive.. I’m really busy but I will check up on all of you as soon as I can.. I hope you’re all doing well and had a very merry christmas!!

two days in a row the scale has said 203.  i cant believe it.

i haven’t been focused on food at all, even through tons of cooking and two big christmas parties.  it’s been wonderful.. i dont know where its coming from but i love it.

hope you all are doing well and merry christmas.

three good things to report!

1.  i weighed myself today and it said 205! that was my mini goal…yay!!

2.  i’ve been doing some exercise everyday.. 1 mile on highest incline and 3.5 speed.. which turns into a dance party half the time so i think im burning twice the calories i should be haha.. it’s fun too.  i’ve also been using my weight machine..it works just about everything u can think of.. i’ve been doing three reps of 15 so far.. and man i can feel that!! i’ve also been using my yoga ball for sit ups, 60 a day.  not too shabby for being out of shape right now :o)

3.  I got a 4.0 again this semester!!! grades were posted today im sooo happy about that.

 HOPE ALL IS WELL! message me and let me know how you’re doing <3

Okay.. I’ve been a bit of a drama queen the past few days.  I’ve had my period for about two weeks because of my new birth control.. apparently “big girls” need stronger pills well.. I was doing just fine with my old pills.. and my doctor got this idea put in her head after three years of being fine on the other ones.. even though I’m extremely sensitive to any medication/foriegn substance in my body.  Welllll now I’m having all kinds of problems with this junk, I stopped taking it this week so I’m starting to come down from the intense amount of hormones in my body.. haha.. so yes this week was pretty bad BUT I’m feeling a lot better.

Instead of moping around like I did almost all week I decided today to go downstairs and make my own gym.  I have a treadmill and a beautiful home gym system that I’ve never touched.  So I set everything up all cute, added some good work out tunes to the ipod and as soon as it’s done charging I’m going to hit the treadmill and do some weights.  I’m also getting a work out plan made for my equipment as we speak, I’m really grateful I know someone who can help me with this for free bc I am SO broke with the holidays.  I also plan to save so I can get a YMCA membership in a month or two.. they have a pool and volleyball wednesday nights, two things i LOVE to do!  So things are looking up.. thank you for dealing with me ;)  Also! I ate good today.. a bowl of cereal some tomato soup and a turkey sandwich!! not too shabby!!  moms making cookies later.. lets hope I can resist.. I will come here if I get tempted!

OKAY.  some good news and some bad news.  good news first.

at my new job training they bought pizza and i politely explained i’d brought lunch and had my veggies and turkey on wheat.  some lady was making fun of me like the whole time, and kept asking me how my veggies are.  she was fat too, misery loves company i thought, some people don’t want you to do well because they’re having the same problems.. i felt like i won that one.  i did well all weekend, until last night.

so the bad news is that though i ate a healthy breakfast and lunch i was too busy to eat dinner and ended up eating cookies at the musical i went to see because that’s all they had at their consession stand.. then it was off to a formal christmas party where i drank embarrassing amounts of alcohol which i’m well aware is toooons of calories.  the i ate a slice of pizza at three am to go with all of those calories.  i don’t know if anyone else experiences the extreme hunger after a night of drinking.. so this morning it was chicken fingers and french fries… YIKES. 

I’m actually not upset by this.. I’m not justifying the bad choices.. but this will be my only Saturday off… or day off for that matter this entire month.. besides christmas day.. so I’m okay with this because I know the rest of today and here on out i’m going to make better choices.. and I’m going to have days where I want to go out drinking and have fun.. i work really hard but it’s setting limits.. like drinking once a month or only on special occasions… because I know that’s where a lot of my weight came from.. not so much now but my first three years of college i had too good of a time and ate late then pulled the morning after feast.. it definetly added up.  so now it’s about balance.. and that’s what i want and need.  head up and carry on!!

Day one has been a success.  I continued to do well, opting for water all night (i hate drinking water) and a turkey sub on wheat for dinner.  I feel very satisfied with myself.  I also feel a lot less bloated.  I went healthy shopping and bought a ton of steamed vegetable packs, which i actually love, tuna, wheat bread, soups, turkey, lots of fresh fruit and veggies, and low fat yogurt.  All foods I actually love and tend to not binge on. 

I have training tomorrow from 9-4 then will be working directly from there till 11P which is actually a good thing because my only food intake will be what I pack, and it will be all healthy items… so I’m hoping for continued success!  I wish u all the same, goodnight!! :o)

I have several things I’d like to cover here..

first!  I am so overwhelmed (in the best way)  at all of the responses and support I have recieved since joining less than 24 hours ago.  I have not had an opportunity to reply and get to know all of you who have been so wonderful, but do know that I am so appreciative and feeling so blessed to have this opportunity to experience this with you.  I feel so much more confident having this support, and I am very grateful to have so many amazing people on my side, I hope to be a wonderful support for you as well.

The second.. today has gone so well.  I had a banana and a low cal high vitamin grape fruit juice for breakfast (the store didn’t have skim milk?!?)  For lunch I had a grilled chicken sandwich with mustard instead of mayo (i love bad condiments..ranch..mayo..bleu cheese)  a yogurt, and a diet coke.  This is important to me not only because I did make better choices, but also because I did not use excuses for eating bad.  The plan was skim milk.. my immediate reaction was “WELL THEY DONT HAVE IT I’M GETTING A CAPPACCINO” but I didn’t do it.  At lunch I was only given 30 minutes to go get something to eat.. subway was too far so i had to resort to Wendy’s.. who has my favorite chicken nuggets.. normally I would’ve used that as an excuses “WELL I CAN’T GET TO SUBWAY I HAVE TO GET CHICKEN NUGGETS AND A FROSTY”  but I didn’t do it.. and that feels amazing. 

Thirdly, this time of day is bad for me.  I get home from school or work, I have to go to another job after.. and I binge.  I get in that fridge and eat crackers, tons of cheese, left overs, you name it it’s in my mouth.  Then I eat dinner or go to Dairy Queen and eat all night.  Not today, I distracted myself by cleaning up and getting on here to find inspiration.  I also had my shift covered for tonight because I do not feel as though I am prepared to face a night at Dairy Queen with my period.  I do not want to set myself up for failure.  I need to take this day by day and I’m just not ready for that.

The final thing is that though I said I would not weigh myself daily, I did weigh myself today even though I weighed myself yesterday.  The reasoning behind this is that I know from experience that I tend to become very bloated after a few days of bingeing and a lot of that weight comes off after digestion and processing has occured.  My weight is down two pounds, which is disgusting because that was all bulk from bingeing.  I did not burn anything but it is important that I’ve gotten that out of my system, not purging or using laxatives.  So I’m feeling good, my mom and I are going grocery shopping this evening and though she isn’t very encouraging she will fork over the money for healthy food, so thats a plus and the plan.  Hope you all had a good day <3

OKAY. here we go, todays “the day”.. i can’t even count how many times tomorrow has been “the day”.. that never works out..so I’m just going for it today.  I’m all ready for work..the day should be a breeze, new job training.. i’m going to stop for a banana and some milk for breakfast.. subway for lunch.. this afternoon is what’s frightening.  Where’s the worst imaginable place for a depressed binge eater with her period to work in the evenings?  How about dairy queen?  Yes unfortunately I have kept my teenage job at the dairy queen in the evenings for gas money.  My new job is PRN due to my college schedule therefore I still need extra cash flow.  I have had some seriously bad binges here.. there’s fried food, candies, icecream, cookies, cheese burgers… suuuccks.  My plan there is just to keep EXTREMELY busy..that place will be sparkling till I leave.  I’m also going to wait to eat dinner unitl I go in at 6pm, that way I can eat my home packed meal and not be preoocupied with eating with everyone else.  All of the other employees are terrible influences, and of course they all weigh 120 pounds..but we’ll cros that bridge when we get to it!   I’m off to work for now.. good luck all, and thank you for the words of encouragement. :o)

these exercises are basically for my well being and growth but i’m doing them publically for two reasons the first being that i think that others may want to use them for their own success and two because I want to share my journey with others and have them do the same.  i’m doing these exercises because as a mental health professional i understand that an eating disorder is psych based and must be tackled before healthy and successful weight loss and occur.  I also need to work on my self esteem, as a goal focused person I know that writing things down and assessing them is important for me and helps me to become more successful.

What do you plan to do should you become concerned about going off your diet plan?  I truely fear getting off of my diet plan because failure is something I cannot bear at this point.  I am feeling very badly right now.  I think that once I do get onto a healthy schedule I will feel much better and will have less of a fear and more confidence that I won’t get off track, reducing a lot of my anxiety right now.

Do you plan to make spirituality a part of your weight loss plan?  I am not a formally religous person, I do pray.  I pray for strength and support, not for a miracle weight loss.  I feel that I should try to focus more on turning to my spirituality for strength, but often forget.

Do you believe in yourself - that you’re able to win the weight loss battle?  I am so confident in other areas of my life, I am extremely confident in my professional and intellectual abilities, but I am so frightened that I will lose control.  I think that if I could get on a steady path I could do very well, but I have such a hectic unusually demanding schedule for someone my age it makes me feel like i have little control, which i think has a huge role in my overeating and depression symptoms.

In times of doubt, how will you gather courage?  I am going to try to turn to my faith for strength, my family avoids the issue I cannot turn to them.  I don’t wish to worry or show any weakness to my friends, I feel as though I’m their rock and if they knew these issues and that I’m not as confident and happy as I put off then I will feel worse.  This is a battle I need to face, and hopefully can find strength and support from this sight as well.

How do you plan to monitor your weight loss progress? I plan to blog daily and keep track on this site.

Do you plan to weigh each day?  No, every three.  I do not have the patience to weigh weekly and daily makes my eating disorder symptoms come out.Do you plan to reward yourself for your achievements of weight loss for every few pounds as you journey to your final weight loss goal?  I have no formal reward system, but losing the weight alone is reward and motivaton enough.

How do you plan to reward yourself?  I like rewards that wil help further the self esteem, hair appointments, nails, pedicures, etc.

Are there any holidays or special celebrations in your near future? If so, how do you plan to handle the food-aspect of the event?  The holidays aren’t much of a concern right now because I tend to not eat when people are around so I tend to not indulge as much as some people do during this time.

Most dieters encounter a weight loss plateau.  How do you plan to work through this type situation?  I’ll be happy to even lose enough to reach a plateau I plan to cross that bridge when it comes.

If you are presented with a life-changing event such as marriage, a baby in the family, a change in jobs - how will this effect your weight loss plan? How will you deal with the change in regards to your weight loss plan?  The change in jobs is actually occuring and the job I’ve taken has potential to really become an issue but I plan to pack meals and keep myself occupied to avoid snacking and unhealthy eating.

During those times when you feel like you may be losing motivation for weight loss, how do you plan to revive your motivation?  I hope to use this website because that has been an issue in the pass

If you see a weight gain, what do you plan to do?  I plan to use healthy coping mechanisms but in the past it has lead to destructive behaviors such as purging and laxatives.

How do you plan to incorporate activity into your schedule?  I’ve honestly yet to figure that out with the hectic schedule I’m dealing with.

Well before I start I think I should do this little exercise as suggested by dr. marc.

 1.  I want to lose weight because:  I want to be healthier and more than anything I want to be happier.  I have everything in life that I want.. success in school, an amazing family, great friends, a new good job, a new car, everything I could want, but I have serious depression stemmed from my weight.  I cannot physically be happy feeling the way I do about myself.  I know that I am a beautiful girl, but I’m a beautiful fat girl and that is not satisfying in any way to me.

 2.  My feelings about my weight are:  I cannot stand my weight, I can’t even stand to look at myself sometimes.  I hate how I look and feel, I hate how my weight has affected my life.  I’m always preoccupied with it.  I also believe it severely affects my relationships.  I cannot be comfortable in a relationship because of my weight and insecurties that come along with it.  I don’t believe that anyone can love me at this size.

Food is:  my number one enemy.  I have periods of starvation, binging, serious loss of control and preoccupation with food, it’s never stable for me.  I want to learn to consider food as a form of nourishment for my body not as comfort and indulgence.

My family views my weight loss efforts as: another attempt, they’ve gotten so used to this they don’t take me seriously.

My friends view my weight loss as:  some of my friends have caught on to some bad behaviors of mine concerning weight in the past and see my attempts as dangerous and a reason for concern.  Those who do not know of these issues are very encouraging, I really think there are guy friends who wish I would lose weight because I’d be more dateable.

My family does not support my weight loss efforts.  We constantly eat out, requests for healthy food are unmet, I get no support at home.

Type of diets I’ve been on: you name it I’ve done it from starving to eating extremely healthy and balanced.  I’ve also had an eating disorder at several periods in my life which has not been resolved.

How long diets last:  depends, sometimes an hour sometimes months.  I have serious ups and downs with my weight struggle.

Exercise:  I was an athlete all through highschool, I’ve ran, swam, played every sport imaginable.  I love exercise but I’m not comfortable with it at this weight and I have three jobs and go to college full time leaving little exercise time,

 How I’ve succeeded in the past:  balance.  I’ve done best at times when I was eating healthy and exercising appropriately. 

Why it failed:  I’ve failed when I have gone to extremes, purging, laxatives, starving, unhealthy and unsuccessful long term just leads to bingeing and control issues.  Stress and lack of time has also been a major factor in my failures.

 My strengths: helpful, goal oriented, successful, intelligent, my personality, ability to learn, intuative

My weaknesses:  lack of control over my life, extremely busy schedule, severe self esteem issues, eating disorder, lack of support, weight induced depression, I don’t know how to relax or say no

I enjoy:  people, animals, learning, success, competition, volunteerism, outdoors, summer, exercise, affection

I dislike: stress, my weight, my self esteem.